A Death Observed, Part Three

In case you missed them, here are Part One and Part Two of this series on my mother’s death.

One to Two Days Prior to Death, Symptoms:

• May be a surge of energy, followed by recurrence of symptoms.
• Breathing starts to be a big issue at this point.  As the body begins to shut down, breathing may become irregular or slower.  Cheyne-Stokes breathing is common.
• Congestion may start to occur in the person’s airways.
• Hands and feet may begin to look blotchy, and nail-beds and lips may become pale.
• Less control over limbs and body.  May be jerky movements that seem involuntary.  Restlessness continues or increases.

My suggestions for caregivers and loved ones:

• At this point, your loved one may start to be unable to communicate.  That doesn’t mean he or she can’t hear you.  But you will have to do your best to decipher his or her medical needs as well as keep up with when diapers need changing, lips need sponging, etc.
• Watch for dryness on the lips especially, as they can become cracked and painful if not kept either wet or covered with Vaseline/Chapstick.
• Hearing is the last sense to go usually, so talk to your loved one–pray over him or her, read favorite psalms, sing favorite hymns.  Tell him or her the things you would treasure most at this moment.  I actually chose one psalm to be my anchor during this period, and I both prayed it silently as well as recited it over my mom.  Highly recommend doing that to fortify yourself.
• As the daughter, I tried to make sure we had food in the house for family and visitors.  After my mom’s death, people brought a lot of food, but prior to it was more catch-as-catch can.
• Prepare little ones in the family with Scripture and the basics of life after death.

Two Weeks Prior to Death, Emily’s Reflections

My mom went downhill perhaps a lot faster than most.  I consider that a tremendous blessing, but it made the logistics of getting family to her in time to say goodbye much more difficult.  I decided to pick up my grandmother in MS–a ten hour drive–and my kids and hubbie would come later that day in a rental car.  Before I did that, though, I sat down with my kids on our couch.  We opened the Bible, and we read a few passages to answer the basic questions: 1) Why do people die? (Genesis 1 or Romans 1); 2) What did Jesus do about death? (2 Corinthians 5:21 and Romans 5:9-11) 3) Where will Grandmother be when she dies? (John 14:1-4 and John 11:23-26) and 4) Will we see her again? (Romans 8: 38-39 and Rev. 21:1-4).  I explained that their grandmother would be going to heaven in the next few days, and my oldest drew a picture heaven for me to take with me.  It was a bright orange castle, which she embellished with jewels and a woman playing with lots of happy animals, and it said simply, “By by, see you soon.  Hope you’re not too sad.”

On the trip there, I had a lot of time to prepare my own heart.  Among other things, I thought about my mom and what might bring her comfort.  I decided to choose one scripture passage to mark the occasion, and I felt the Lord was leading me to Psalm 23.  As I drove through the bright sunshine, broken by the Tennessee foothills around me and their winter evergreens, I prayed through my tears, “The Lord is my Shepherd…Lord, be my mother’s shepherd, come to her now in her weakness, and lift her up.  Shorten her suffering, if you will, Father, and lead her like a good shepherd into your pastures.”  I took each line, and prayed it for my mother and for me and my family.

Eventually, I arrived at my grandmother’s house.  We grabbed her suitcases, arranged a few things at her home, and then we were on our way.  And even with the cloud of sadness above us, it was a sweet trip.  We talked about so many things–about the ducks and chickens she bought my brother and I as a child, what my mom had been like as a kid (such a nerd!  When the adults would spell a word out that they didn’t want her to know, she’d remember it until she got home and look it up in the dictionary!), and how special our last visit with her had been.  We stopped at McDonalds (because my kids have trained me to eat there) and had a supper of snack-wraps.  And of course, there were lots of phone calls back and forth to family and friends, coordinating who would be where when, giving updates on my mom’s status.

Finally, we coasted into Conway, AR, the city where my parents lived.  I was anxious to get there, but dreading it at the same time.  What would she be like?  Would I be able to handle it?  Could I be the daughter I ought to be?

Rather than drive across town to the grocery store to stock up, I pulled into a service station just off the interstate.  My grandmother waited in the car as I went inside.  They had a couple of rows of chips and candy bars, and I didn’t know what we’d need or what my parents’ had, but I figured we’d be up most of the night–so what do you need for that?  Chips and chocolate, of course!  I went down the isle, picking one or two of just about everything on the top row: Snickers, Lays, Doritos, all the really bad good stuff you want to buy but don’t–and all at the same time.  The guy behind the cash register was stunned.  When I plopped it all down on the counter, he said in his southern drawl, “Goin’ on a road trip?”  I don’t even remember what I said.  I think I may have actually said yes, just because I didn’t want to say, “No, I’m going to watch my mom die.”  And technically, I was on a road trip.  I have never had a gas station check out guy offer to help me out before, but he did.  “Nah,” I said.  “Thanks, though!”

So then I loaded up, and we went the last few blocks, and pulled up outside mom and dad’s house.  It was so dark when I turned off the car, and my grandmother and I held hands and prayed one last time.  Then we got out, and walked toward the light inside.

Click here to go to Part Four, the final installment of this series. 

If you’re looking for more of my thoughts on death, you might try my post on Anne Frank, or my first and second posts on picture books about death for kids.  And if you’re dealing with a loss of a child in pregnancy, you might consider Desiring Virtue’s series Hope for Those Who Fear Pregnancy.